Heavy on My Heart

Saturday night Josh and I saw a couple from a church that he used to work at. The wife asked how many children we now had and I replied "2". I immediately wanted to take that number back and give her the correct number, but didn't.
Time and time again I find myself in the same situation, telling people that I only have "two" children. When in fact I have four.
Maybe my response is different because I do not want to put them in an awkward situation, and have them mumble and try to cover their embarrassment.
Maybe my response is different because during that year that we lost our two children, it was not talked about. Every time I wanted to talk to someone, people seemed to have the impression that this was a topic that was to never be discussed.
If I could go back in time, I would have done things so very differently.
Some people were just 100% rude and rubbed THEIR pregnancy in my face while I was going through such a loss. To this, I would have stood up for myself and not put up with that kind of harassment. I would have gone to the boss and told her MY side of things instead of letting her tell me that I was an inconvenience to the other person working there.
I would have not gone back to work so soon after both miscarriages. I would have asked Josh to stay at home with me during our second.
Only two people truly understood what I was going through, because they too had gone through the same thing. But they lived too far away. I got their support in the form of letters and phone calls, which is still better than none.
I am still grieving our two children. Always will. When I see something that gives me comfort, I buy it if I can.
My aunt Carol gave me one of the most wonderful things during our losses. I have it set out to where I can look at it whenever I need to. It is a porcelain figurine of a little girl laying in the palm of God's hand. The girl has a peaceful look upon her sleeping face. Just typing this is making my eyes tear up. I now understand why my Grandma O has a collection of angels...who are children. I too have pictures, (two of them) on my bedroom wall by my bed of two little girls with wings. One of the girls is praying, and the other picture is a girl in a beautiful garden picking flowers.
Next month is our first baby's birthday. She would have been 5 years old. I love fall, I love the month of October, but it is such a struggle for me as that day approaches on the calendar.
Someone once told me that once we would have our firstborn, things would be easier. Well, they were wrong. They had never gone through a miscarriage, so they don't know the thoughts of "Would they have looked like J.D. or Lily?" "What would she be doing THIS year?" (I say she because if the second one would have been born, J.D. would not be here with us).
Every day I think about them, wonder about them. And honestly, when someone passes away I think how they are now with my little ones, getting to know them and hold them for me, giving them kisses and hugging them until one day I will get to do those things myself.